Your face is a jimmy john
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
