Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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