if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
