First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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