my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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