Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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