my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
