look no pants
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
