my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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