fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
