I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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