just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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