I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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