Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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