ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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