Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
