We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i believe in u and ur pee
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
