So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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