I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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