My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
this will be a night to untag.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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