i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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