what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
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