I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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