please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
