i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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