1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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