I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
