dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
