Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
