We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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