imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
