Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
