I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
