Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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