glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
my poor anus
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
