I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
