I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
