Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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