Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
