Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize