I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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