I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
