I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
