When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
