You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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