I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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