Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
