she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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