I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
