Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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