The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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