sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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