just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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