shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
