So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
