you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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