I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it glows. i had to have it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
