Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize