I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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